What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Dick very happy bro
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
