All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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