can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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