you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
