I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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