My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
