Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
