just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize