I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
