one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
