I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
