Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
cat food counts as protein by the way
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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