I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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