Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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