i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Randomize
