On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
