Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
