Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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