I just threw up on my dentist
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Last time i carry you out of a forest
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
