i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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