Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
