doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
