On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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