just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
