Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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