How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
