in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize