Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Randomize
