my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
