All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you inspire me to be a worse person
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
