Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
