I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
