It's Friday. Sex?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
