Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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