The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I need to calm my uterus...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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