my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My life is pants optional.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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