So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
