why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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