Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Randomize
