So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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