did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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