Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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