I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
