your parents love me but you hate me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
