I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
