well I can't set my house on fire every night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
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