i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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