rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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