i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize