so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
