Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
