You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
