Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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