I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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