Me. At least after what I've been through.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
