things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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