Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
