On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
