Whod you bang
my phone needs a breathalizer
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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